See My Light...Shining From Within

"CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK...YOU HEAR THE ECHO"

2007-04-23T07:38:00.000-05:00

I'm learning with age to deal with bad people in a dignified manner. I've had a hard morning. I had to go out of my usual way and take a train from Westchester into the city. As I get on the train, I happen to see an empty seat. I ask the woman sitting in the ajoining seat if I may sit, in otherwords, move your shit bitch. She ignores me. I take a deep breath and ask her again in the same polite manner. Her response is "What? You mean on this small bench?" She's lucky I'm a civilized human being because if I wasn't, she would've been black and blue and I would've been in jail. As I sit here and type this, I am still sitting next to the ignorant bottle blond coke whore. Instead of describing her, I'm just gonna take a picture for you...enjoy...

Ok BUSTED...so that's not really her, but I guarantee it will be in ten months when she goes broke and graduates to crack. I know plenty of functioning coke addicts but I don't know ANY functioning crack heads. Poor Cathy smh.

Sorry guys if I don't find a way to laugh about this stuff I'll just cry. There are so many rude people in this world. I'm trying to hard to stay sweet, but these bitches are really testing me. Later :)

"A LADY AINT WHAT SHE WEARS, BUT WHAT SHE KNOWS..."

2007-04-19T13:27:00.000-05:00

"Women are systematically degraded by receiving the trivial attentions which men think it manly to pay to the sex, when, in fact, men are insultingly supporting their own superiority."
--Mary Wollstonecraft

The A&R Power Summit was so dope! I really enjoyed myself. I swear I was cursing the people who sent me the whole way there for making me go out during a fuckin flood. Plus I was kind of scared of going alone, but I realized that I am so much more capable than I give myself credit for. I worked that crowd like a true business woman. You'd be proud of your girl! I made a lot of connections.

My old boss at the brand marketing firm that I worked at for four years once told me that the music business is worse than the movie business and that's really bad because the movie business is cutthroat and you lose years trying to make something happen for yourself. I agree with her, but at the same time, I'm willing to sacrifice 100% peace of mind for the chance to do something that I love.

I think my biggest insecurity about being in this business has to do with my looks. Don't get me wrong, as I've said before, I'm happy with the way I look. I've accepted myself, but the industry is so image driven even for the non-performers. Even though I have designer duds and unique features, I can't help but sometimes compare myself to the video hoes or wanna be hoes who attend some of these events. I know mentally, those broads can't hold a candle to me, but you know...

Jeff Robinson, founder of MBK Management (Alicia Keys manager) kind of brought that insecurity out of me for a second on Sunday. Here's what happened. A Caucasian girl approached him and gave him a demo package from a group that was standing nearby. I watched him flirt up a storm. He took the demo package and went straight to the group and spoke to it's members. He said, "you guys are smart for having the best looking girl in the room hand me your stuff." He then proceeded to chat them up for a few minutes and it seemed to me that he made them a priority. This is all without listening to their music yet.

So I approach him next and introduce myself very professionally. The look on his face read "What the fuck do you want?" Despite that, I went on and gave him the disk of the group's material that I wanted him to check out. He handed the disk (a professional disk with a bar code mind you) to a flunky and walked away without a word. For a second I was ready to walk out, but I caught myself. One man's trash is another man's treasure. Isn't that how the saying goes? I'm glad I did stay because after Mr. Robinson rejected me, I met many other people in a better position to understand my place in the industry. I exchanged contact info with journalists, producers, Directors of A&R for major labels and most importantly, potential clients. My intelligence and business savvy were allowed to be on display and unlike my Caucasian sistah, I wasn't being objectified.

That brings me to another interesting thing. Don Imus. How is Jeff Robinson, the guys in that group who used that girl as a pawn or any other man of color who see women as nothing more than a "whoe" any different than Imus? I'm a hip hop head true to the core and I don't respect what that jerk said, but he was right when he said that the words he used are ubiquitous in rap music. He is not to be excused, and Imus is a very intelligent man so I refuse to believe that his rant wasn't part of a larger plan he and hip hop's critics decided to set into motion. I won't bore you with my conspiracy theories but let's just say that there was a reason why it was a group of young black women who were the victims of his outburst. Had the victims been male, things wouldn't be as calm as they are now. Believe me. Anyhow, my point is that people like Imus will always be derogatory towards us as long as our own people allow each other to do it. It's the same debate as the N word. If we say it and if we continue to degrade our own, what's to stop others from doing the same???

"I WISH THAT WE WERE MEANT TO BE HAPPY WITHOUT LOVE IN OUR LIVES..."

2007-04-15T11:44:00.000-05:00

"There is love of course. And then there's life, its enemy."
--Jean Anouilh

So, it's been three weeks since I started my temp job. I don't hate it. I'm grateful for the opportunity and I've been soaking in the city life I've been missing for awhile now. Century 21 and Starbucks less than 100 feet away. I'm in heaven right? Kinda sorta. I'm maintaining. I'm super tired, but otherwise I'm alright. Everything will fall into place soon enough.

I saw a psychic last week. I didn't really have any specific questions for her. I just let her tell me what she had to tell me. What she told me wasn't much of a shocker. She said that romantically I am going to be involved with someone long term, but it won't last too long. Also, the guy isn't someone from my past, he's "not ready to show himself to me yet". Figures. Story of my life. I guess I have a big "Alone" sticker on my forehead. Like Tamia says in her song "Love and I" I wish love wasn't necessary. I wish my life could be complete with a career that I enjoy. Why does it have to include love which complicates things? Why am I made to feel empty because I don't have love in my life?

Anyhoo, things are good. I've been trying to come up with the best way to launch my company. I've got a lot of ideas and I've made a lot of progress so far. I think this temp job may last awhile. The pay isn't what I expected (or deserve) but it's better than nothing...for now. I'm still looking for a more permanent and better gig. I'll keep you updated on my progress.

Ooh got some cute Cavalli shades and some cute YSL ones. Also scored a really hot Betsey Johnson clutch.

I'm off right now to the A&R Power Summit at SOB's. I'm going alone, that's a challenge in itself, but I'll be able to do some good networking I think. Wish me luck. Ooh and guess what? I've got a photo shoot on the 28th. I'll finally get to fulfill my supermodel fantasy. For a few hours at least.

Ciao bellas!

"YA'LL CAN STAY HOME...BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?"

2007-03-25T02:45:00.000-05:00

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!"
--Robin Williams

No partying for me tonight. I've done enough partying in the past year to last a lifetime. A break is needed every now and again ya know? I don't think I'm going out again until my birthday. SIKE! Hell to the naw I'm not taking a break! I go out at last twice a week. What can I say? I'm a club chick. I love to go out. I've done a lot of partying in my 20s but I am NOT tired of it. I feel the need to party more now than ever because I'm approaching 30 at lightening speed. Now don't get me wrong, I know 30 doesn't mean you're old. 30 is the new 20, isn't that what the girls on "Sex and the City" said WAAAAAAAY before Hov did? And I surely won't look 30 because just like black don't crack...brown don't...whatever, you get the point. Anyway, I've just always thought that seeing old people in 21 and over clubs was horrible. I know there are ~~mature~~ OLD clubs out there like Shadow and well I really don't know of any others, but I've heard about the Shadow and I pass. I'd rather hit up a western themed bar. My best friend Kat says that I have something against old people. I don't really. I'll hold their hands to walk across the street and I'll play checkers with them all day BUT I'm not partying with them. No way José.

I'm a product of the hip hop generation and that poses a real problem as most of us approach 30 (and some our mid-30s). I mean, I'm sure that others like me LOVE to dance to whatever songs are currently poppin, but at the old clubs they seem to bring it back to the 80s and early 90s and end up playing more r&b than anything. If they do play hip hop it's for about 30 minutes. That's totally unacceptable.

Think I'm exaggerating? Well, I went to a bar last night for a friend of a friend's birthday party. The birthday girl was turning 34. That's not too old right? No, it's not. She looks GOOD for her age. I only hope I hold up that well. Anyhoo, when I arrived, the DJ started off playing some contemporary stuff. Cool. It was early so the dance floor was empty. We (my friends and I) got drinks, took pictures with the birthday girl, ate then sat down. We were anxious to dance because they were playing our favorite songs, but we waited for the place to fill up. Fast forward to a hour later. There's a decent sized crowd in there and people are on the dance floor. My friends and I are still sitting. Wanna know why? Well...the DJ decided that he should play music to please the 40 and over crowd. He just completely forgot about us. I mean, we were outnumbered. I picked out just 2 young faces in the crowd besides us. Do you see now what I have to deal with? As soon as I turn like 35 I'll be lumped in with the 40 and 50 year olds. My parents are in their 40s, ewwwwwwww! I am NOT hanging out with their crowd.

Unless you're in the sports and entertainment industry you're doomed to a clubbin' lifetime of 80s r&b hits and 50 year old men in 3 piece suits and fedoras trying to buy you drink. That reminds me, the wack DJ last night didn't even play my favorite song right now...figures... T-Pain featuring Young Joc - "Buy U A Drank (Shawty Snappin')"

Check out a few of my favorite night spots here in NYC:
China Club
Mars 2112
Eugene's
Avalon
Copacabana
LQ
Supper Club

"CHASED MY BLUES AWAY..."

2007-03-23T17:12:00.000-05:00

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."
--John Barrymore

Good news! I got a temp assignment today. The ladies @ Gainor came through for me. You don't understand how happy I am. It's a little lower than the rate I was looking for but like "Mimi" my recruiter says, I need to get back into the workforce and I need to put some money in my pocket. Thats why she decided to see if I wanted it. I'm glad she thought of me.

I start on Monday morning and guess where it's located? Right across from CENTURY 21! Now I have to try to resist the urge to spend my check there. I haven't even been near Century 21 in about 4 months. I get into A LOT of trouble there. I must admit, I've been dreaming of those $200 D&G pumps I saw last time. Seriously ONLY $200! They were made for me.That was when my friend "StarTwin" was visiting from London. I had the money for them but she wisely convinced me not to buy them. Thank goodness for friends because when I get in my shopping mode all common sense and reason goes out the door. I swear those shoes were talking to me. They were whispering sweet nothings in my ear. They gazed at me and I gazed back and fantasized about them caressing my large feet. Oh my, those sexy burgundy 1 1/2 pointed toe stilettos. So simple yet so very perfect. Wanna know the worst part? They were my size! Ughhhhhhh!

Do you know how hard it is to find designer shoes in my size? I wear size 11 dawg! Thank goodness for DesignerShoes.com and Zappos.com.

Anyhoo, thank God things are finally looking up. I'm definitely not in the clear yet, but this is one neccessary step towards getting my life in proper order. I am so relieved.

"GIVING UP WHAT SEEMS YOUR LIFETIME..."

2007-03-22T19:14:00.001-05:00

"Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you."
--Vipin Sharma

I had a dream last night that's been really bothering me. I was at my local Target store and I saw my ex boyfriend "August". We were cordial to each other, he gave me $165.00 and I left. Then he shows up at my mothers house, but it wasn't her current house, it was her old home. He shows up and my sister tries to send him away because she knows I can't stand him, but I tell him to come upstairs. Everyone in the house is shocked by this. So when he comes upstairs (to my old bedroom), we gaze into each other's eyes for a while then he puts his arms around me and starts kissing me. I don't fight him, I just go with the flow. So we have sex and it's such a release for me. I see myself clearly in the dream and I look so happy laying on the bed in his arms. He kisses me on the lips and I say "So what's gonna happen now?" and he says "I'm gonna tell her it's over." (referring to his girlfriend who he left me for). Of course I'm happy as hell when he says this, and we have sex again and everything feels so natural.

So while we're in the bed the cops come the house and my sister yells upstairs to me. While my sister is trying to stall them, he gives me instructions and tells me he's only gonna be away for awhile, he's coming back to finish what we started and he loves me, I'm the only one he ever loved then he kisses me. The police come to my bedroom and take him away.

Any ideas on what that could mean?

So two friends I've asked say that it probably means I'm aching for some bootay! That makes sense, but I think it's more. I mean, like I said before, I can have sex with anyone, but I choose not to. The thing I miss about my relationship with "August" is our intimacy. I loved him with all I had and I was completely comfortable with him. Our relationship was horrible (but we had our good moments) and it ended very badly. It's been almost 7 years since it ended and I don't think I'm over it. He is the only guy I've ever loved in my life. My feelings for him taught me that I was capable of loving someone and for a moment, I felt loved by him too. But he ended up leaving me for some stupid ho, who he's still with now.

I've spent so many years trying to figure out why he left me for her. Am I too fat? Am I not pretty enough? Is she more ambitious than me? Is she better in bed? So many stupid questions. Add that to the inferiority issues I've got because of my father's role in my life and you can probably see why I'm such a mess inside. Now I won't let myself have a healthy relationship. I don't even know what that is. All I've been doing for the past 7 years is dealing with men who don't love me, don't care about me and don't respect me. None of them have stuck around very long, but there's usually another not far behind, waiting to fill the empty space, but none can truly fill it.

I'm empty inside and I don't know what to do to fill it. I got over my image issues and as dumb as it sounds when put on paper, I truly believed that if I was happy with my outer self, I'd be happy with my inner self. It doesn't work like that kiddies and I'm living proof. I've had guys that have shown an interest in having more than sexual relations but because of my issues, I never believe them. I don't let myself get involved with anyone real. I just really don't want to deal with my issues, but since I turned 25, everything has come crashing down on me emotionally. I've had to face a lot of things about myself that are ugly.

When someone asks why I'm single or why I haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years, I try to mask the emptiness by saying, "I never want to get married." or "Men are drama and I just don't have the time to deal with it right now." And even "I'm in selfish mode, I need to get my career on track." Pathetic, I know. 7 years is a longtime to be alone. I can't bring myself to be happy once again only to have love snatched away from me again. It's no one's fault but my own. But I know that one day God will give me the strength to love myself enough so that there won't even be a void that needs filling.

Other than that, I'm doing okay. I'm surviving. Still job-hunting, still writing, still singing, still a label whore, still addicted to Starbucks...still alive...still dreaming of a better life.

"THOSE HARD TIMES...WHO KNOWS BETTER THAN I?"

2007-03-20T18:59:00.000-05:00

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
--Albert Einstein

My spirits are a bit low today. Things aren't looking too good for me. I know that everything will work out for the best in the end. I truly believe that, but at the same time I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with everything that's happening right now. Tears have been flowing from my eyes all day. The bills are piling up and I don't know when I'll truly be out of this hole. Let me give you the breakdown of what I owe:

10K in medical bills
8K in student loans
2K in taxes
2K in credit card bills
1K misc bills

Plus I've got my cell phone bill, my storage bill and I need to pay for studio time. Appearance wise, I've been trying to give myself manicures and I've been washing my own hair and giving myself Dominican treatments whenever I get a chance, so at least I don't have to pay for those. I'm also lucky that I'm a shop-a-holic because I've got plenty of clothing, shoes and accessories that still have tags on them. Even though my weight fluctuates, so far it's been on the lower side of my range so everything either fits or it's too big which isn't really a problem.

I'm making due, but I need so much to happen for me to be able to climb out of this hole. Imagine being 23K in debt and only having 45K gross earning potential. Forget my potential even. My savings are depleted. I can't even FIND a job. I've gone on interview after interview, I've hit up the temp agencies...so many doors have been slammed in my face. I'm just overwhelmed right now...

FEELING BETTER...

A friend of mine just called me from London. She doesn't know the extent of my problems but she knows that I've been having a rough time, especially with the job search. She gave me some encouraging words. Not too long ago she was also pounding the pavement so she understands how the constant rejection is affecting me. I really needed to hear what she had to say. God always shows himself to us when we need to see him the most. I think I just got the boost I need to continue...

I'm doing a lot of complaining but despite everything I'm dealing with, I know that I am truly blessed. Life could be a lot worse. Look at those poor men in the Bronx who lost their whole families. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I can't even imagine what they're feeling. I wish I could help ease their pain. If you or anyone you know would like to help, CLICK HERE.

It's a miracle that God allows us to wake each morning...one we should cherish.

I'M TOO UPSET TO THINK OF A TITLE...

2007-03-18T22:20:00.000-05:00

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
--Eleanor Roosevelt

I just found out that more people hate me. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I know you can't please everyone but what is it about me that incites so much hatred in others? I try to be a good person. I give others the same respect I feel I deserve. I give as much as I can give. Sometimes I give even more than I can. I don't even expect anything in return. How many times have I given my last dollar? How many times have I listened to a complete stranger go on and on about their problems?

Am I supposed to change the way I dress? Change the way I carry myself? Should I hang my head low because my body is home to a few more pounds than the next person? I mean damn, I spent so many years getting to this point. I'm finally happy with the way I look. I may not like myself 100% but I do like the way I look. I refuse to go back to that dark place.

If it's not one thing it's another. Sometimes I just want to go away and start over in a place where no one knows I exist. I'm so tired of the bullshit. I try to live my life in a positive way. I've been treated so badly by the people who are supposed to love me yet I still find it in my heart not to be an evil person. Lord knows it's hard. I have slipped up a few times (my ex knows what I mean...bastard!), but for the most part I still believe that despite the bullshit, I will find some good people to share my life with.

Am I being too naive?

Is everyone in life as fucked up as the people I've come across?

"IT FEELS LIKE MY DREAMS WILL NEVER COME TO BE..."

2007-03-18T16:09:00.000-05:00

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."
--Ella Fitzgerald

As you probably already know, I title my blog postings with song lyrics (I'm a music freak, sue me). My last blog title brought back a serious obsession. I can listen to the same song on repeat for days, sometimes even weeks at a time. It's a sickness lol. My favorite songs to put on "mucho repeato" are Faith Evans songs. She is my absolute favorite singer. I love her because she has a beautiful and technically trained voice, she writes the majority of her own material and her voice just projects so much emotion. I feel it in my bones when she sings. I also love Mariah Carey, Kelly Price and Deborah Cox for the exact same reasons but for some reason I identify with Faith more. Maybe it's because she's got more street cred lol j/k.

Anyhow, this brings me back to my original thought. Blog titles. My last blog title was "I hear the voice of reason telling me to fight on." That's a line from "Keep the Faith" (Track 10 - the title track off Faith's second album). The full lyrics can be found here: "Keep The Faith"

These lyrics bring to mind the Bible passage, Matthew 9:20-9:22. See, there were people lined up to get healed by Jesus. A woman came at the last minute, who had been bleeding for a longtime. Jesus was about to leave and she reached out to touch his garments. She believed in his powers so much that she thought that this contact would solve her problems. Jesus turned to her and said, ‘Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.’ And she was instantly healed.

Even the people out there who aren't religious can take something from that story. I said in my last blog that if I don't believe in my bright future, I will just give up. I have to believe that God is taking care of me the best way He knows how. All the pain, the heartache, the bad times and the loneliness has to be for a reason and as soon as it's supposed to end, it will. As soon as I've learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I'll prosper.

That's not to say that I should be laying around waiting for God to end my suffering. If I want to make something of my life, I have to put forth the effort. God won't help those who won't help themselves. I truly believe that. Take my mother for instance. My mother had me when she was sixteen. She has been through everything from being abandoned by her family, to dealing with an abuse husband, and being homeless with four children and a mother who was new to the country. She's had her share of dead end jobs due to the fact that she didn't have a high school diploma. Even though my mother is the hardest working person I know, I think there was a point where she kind of gave up. I think there was a point where she felt defeated as hell. The thing I admire about her is that she let herself be down for just one moment.

I remember the day she got up and took the placement test for her CNA program. I think I was about sixteen myself, the same age that she was when she had me. I'm not sure if that was the mitigating factor in her decision to change her life, but I'm sure it crossed her mind. Anyhow, she ended up passing the test and getting through the program. She's been working as a CNA for the past ten years. It's definitely not a glamorous job, but to her, it was part of a journey that my brothers and sisters would be able to witness with pride.

That one decision to go back to school snowballed into her getting a GED two years ago and now she is a Licensed Practical Nurse (she still has to take her NCLEX exam though but I know she'll pass). It hasn't been easy for her. I tutored her for a month rigorously to prepare for the GED test. She didn't pass the first time around but we worked even harder the next time and she passed. She then had to deal with the demanding practical nursing program while still working full time as a CNA. I must say, as happy as I was to see her in her Florence Nightingale outfit at her graduation in January, it was the day that she took the CNA program entrance exam at the community college that I am most proud of. I've watched my mother's life go from a nightmare to a beautiful story with the lesson being NEVER GIVE UP. She went through the hard times and even though she trusted that God would get her through it, she also trusted in her own ability to succeed.

I try to think about my mother's life every time I feel like giving up. I do feel defeated sometimes. The fight gets kind of hard ya know? That's why I started this blog. Some of things that I write about, the people closest to me aren't really aware of. My own pride keeps me from letting them in. This blog allows me a release. Hopefully someone reading can gain some sort of wisdom from my experiences.

"I HEAR THE VOICE OF REASON TELLING ME TO FIGHT ON..."

2007-03-16T18:10:00.000-05:00

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
--The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

ERIC WEST ya'll. Eric West. He is dope! There are some real assholes in the industry, but this guy is so different. I dig his energy. I don't mean to gush, but I get so giddy when I come across really good, positive minded people in this fucked up life. So many people are out for self and when they get what they want, they forget about the people and situations that made them who they are.

My week has been okay. I'm trying to stay positive. I never got word back about my interviews last week, but I did sign up with an agency called GAINOR STAFFING. The people there are really nice. I'm digging their energy (gosh I'm turning into a fuckin hippie!). I don't sense that they are bullshitting me when they say they'll find me something soon. I don't know, maybe I'm just being overly optimistic. I know I absolutely HAVE to find something soon because I received my last unemployment check this week. 26 weeks went by fast as hell. I don't even want to think about what will happen if I don't find something within the week. I'll try not to think about it, but it's hard. The last time I was unemployed, practically homeless and broke as a joke (in 2001), I didn't handle it very well. I took it really hard. I almost ended my life because of it. I know for a fact that I'm stronger than I was then. I won't get to that low point. I know why God chose me to live the life I live. I know what my personal legend is.

In my favorite book The Alchemist, Santiago, the protagonist, takes a journey and ends up exactly where he thought he would in his mind. He took many detours but ended up living the life he was destined to live. I believe that's where my journey is taking me. I've been through so much and I've been knocked down so many times that if I don't believe there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I'll just give up. My faith is all that I have.

A wise man wrote to me today that "God puts us through a lot when he needs to humble us." Those are some of the truest words ever spoken. Each time I've been put through my worst moments in life, it's been because I've lost sight of what was important. I lost sight of what I really wanted to do in life. It's so easy to forget your dreams and just chase the money and leisure. You forget that you're on a mission to accomplish something that God wants you to accomplish. I'm grateful that I've been able to put my life in perspective. I don't doubt that I'll take more detours along the way, I'm not perfect, but going through these hard times is making it harder for me to forget where I'm headed and I know for damn sure I'll never forget where I came from. And no, I still haven't gotten laid :(

RANDOM THOUGHTS & TALKS ON A LAZY SUNDAY...

2007-03-11T20:05:00.000-05:00

Reading the new issue of Vogue from cover to cover:
~"I would look so hot in Jennifer Hudson's Golden Globe dress...I've got the big hair, big boobs, big lips and all..."~

Listening to "What Goes Around":
~"Justin Timberlake better have a big tool because I'm gonna bone him..."~

Reading a recap of America's Next Top Model's 2nd episode of the new season on TVGasm.com:
~"The Top Models keep getting uglier and uglier every year..."~

Eating Breyer's butter pecan ice cream but thinking about Friendly's pistachio ice cream:
~"Why are pistachios so good but so annoying to eat? Either they get caught in teeth or they stain your hands smh..."~

Looking at the time:
~"Why didn't I wake up early enough for Mass?"~

Just an everyday thought:
~"Rosie O'donnell gives a bad name to lesbos...her rants are soooo annoying. Get off your soapbox beyotch!"~

~"WHY IS MY COOTER NUMB?"~

On the phone with MB:
~"I wonder how Black Snake Moan ends?"~
~"I so wanna kick that cocksucker assistant manager's ass...he makes like 8.15 an hour, fuck him."~
~"I make $8.15 per hour in my sleep."~

Talking to my grandmother:
~"If my grandfather was still up for grabs, would you grab?"~

~"Does lack of sex cause you to go into early menopause? I mean forreal, is it true that if you don't use it, you lose it?"~

:)

"I GOT A HUNDRED WAYS TO MAKE A GRIP, YES I'M FROM NEW YORK, (NEW YORK)..."

2007-03-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

"New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts."
--Harry Hershfield

Today was a pretty good day. My interviews were...well they were basic. Now it's the hard part, the sitting and waiting. Despite that, I had a really good day. I've been in good spirits all day for some reason. I woke up focused and I just kept on going. I actually ate breakfast (GASP!) and went to my interviews with lots of energy. I guess good vibes attract good vibes because I had an unusually great amount of attention from the male species today. I mean, I get attention from men. All women do no matter if it is warranted or not. That goes with the "I have a vagina" territory. Today though was different. Guys were smiling and flirting. Guys usually look at me and I can tell they want to approach but usually if I'm not the one who pushes forward with it, nothing happens. Today I didn't have to do any work. I barely flirted back. I was comfortable in my own skin and that made a huge difference. Most days even though I am meticulously put together on the outside, my insides are a mess. On those days, I can barely get a smile out of a baby. Mentally today was a good day and my light was able to shine through.

It felt so good to be back in the city. I think that made a difference. My brother and I were talking today about relocating. He's tired of the cold here and after coming back from Atlanta he realized that he wants to go start a new life there. He asked if I was going to move down there also then he quickly took the thought back. "You're a city girl true to the core," he said. He's absolutely right. He could never make sense of why I loved New York so much, especially after all the bad things that I've gone through. I guess that's the thing about New York. People don't go there because they want to live a simple life. You go for the excitement, the never ending drama. Even the bad things are exciting. Hell, I could write a book about the bad stuff that has happened to me and it would definitely make for a good read.

I can't say that a retreat isn't needed every now and again. If you don't get away sometimes to clear your head and slow yourself down, you get sucked into the fast paced lifestyle and end up getting burnt out. I think that's what happened to me. It was constant movement. I sacrificed a job I loved to be in the city I loved only to be stuck going through a horrible commute to a horrible job, with horrible people. I dealt with it as long as I could and I guess God took me away from it just in time...before I felt the burn. That's not to say that I wouldn't do it over again given the chance. It's just now, I prefer to do it on my own terms. No more roommates, no more commuting, no more permanent jobs that I despise. This time I'm going to find a temp or temp-perm job, let my mother sign for my apartment and get my company off the ground while enjoying all that New York has to offer. I want the dates and wine at my place afterwards...the museums that I used to love as a child...and I promise myself at least one musical every 3 months and one basketball game per month. Also, I MUST take some vacations. I worked 9 months straight without going anywhere. I was struggling to pay the rent plus my hefty commuting cost while still having to keep up appearances and look the part of the label-whore New Yorker that I am and always will be.

Do I have a love/hate relationship with New York?
No. I love it for all it has to offer-- for all the parades that help me represent every part of my ethnic mixture, for all the 24 hour bodegas that serve me turkey and swiss sandwiches at 4 in the morning, for Century21: the greatest store on earth for a label junkie on a budget, for all the different styles of music I hear just walking down the block, for the 24 hour subway system which makes it possible for me to not have to get behind the wheel of a car that I'm sure to crash and most of all...FOR THE LESSONS IT HAS TAUGHT ME THROUGH HARDSHIP.

If 9-11 didn't scare me out of city life, nothing will.

"MY PAST MADE ME SO WEAK, BUT YOU MAKE ME STRONGER..."

2007-03-07T10:25:00.000-05:00

"The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are."
--Oscar Wilde

Things are looking a bit brighter today. I got out of my funk and decided to take control of my life again. I realized that I am strong. It's normal to sometimes feel down. I do however pick myself up right before I hit bottom and as long as I can do that I'll be alright.

I've been thinking about my Angelito lately. He's probably the only person (that knows my identity) who knows what's going on inside of my head. It's weird because in actuality, he and I don't really know each other. Our relationship has been mere words. I don't mean relationship as in romantic, it's more of a spiritual thing. He's going through a lot. He's been through a lot. One thing I admire is his knack for staying positive and aiming higher despite his situation. He knows who he is and what he's capable of. He truly believes that he will surpass his potential and he makes me believe it too. He's already an inspiration to so many and I know this is just the beginning for him. He's got so much more to offer.

I'm trying to live up to my potential. I'm not being boastful when I say I am good at so many things. I am able to learn things quickly and I seem to have a natural ability to lead and give advice. I could do so much with my life, but something is holding me back. I think I need to love myself and stop letting the lack of love in my life steer me in the wrong direction.

I honestly hate myself sometimes. It's more than feeling ugly. I actually don't think I'm ugly. For the most part I like the way I look. I used to think my weight was the problem, then I lost the weight and I hated myself MORE because I realized that starving myself and getting thinner didn't solve my problems. There are actually people out there who envy my looks. I must say, I do put a lot of time and money into looking good. I am the most materialistic person you will ever meet. If I'm not wearing a label or if I don't have the "it" bag of the season, I don't feel whole. I spend hours getting ready just to go to the mall --silly I know. But it makes me feel good.

My father is probably the second most materialistic person you will ever meet. The root of my mental problems comes from my relationship with him. I am by no means blaming him for my problems, I'm the reason why I haven't healed. He did however plant the seed of self loathing and inferiority in me. I never felt like he loved me and I noticed that the people he chose to spend his time with instead of me were the "cool" people who wore the designer labels like him and spoke the slang like him. I felt like he was embarrassed of me, his fat, geeky, and awkwardly tall daughter who didn't have any style. So as soon I was was old enough to make my own money I transformed myself into a female version of him. I turned myself into an emotionally detached, materialistic, flashy drifter. My fathers lifestyle got him put in prison where he's been for the past 6 years, but I still feel like I need his acceptance. It's weird. I haven't spoken to him in about 3 years (by choice) and I know I need to tell him why and let him know how much his actions screwed me up emotionally, but I can't. I guess I'm afraid of being rejected by him again. I just want an explanation. I'm so afraid to have kids because I don't want to abandon them emotionally and make them feel the way I do all the time. I don't want to be like him but everyday I look in the mirror and it's bad enough that I look exactly like him but then realize that I let myself become him.

I'm not even sure when I turned into this person. I'm punishing myself. It's like I abandoned everything that was important to me and decided that the thing that caused me so much pain in life is exactly what I deserved to be. I know I'm selling myself short. I deserve to love myself and be happy. I even had happiness tattooed on my arm to remind me of my goal (retarded I know lol).

I just want to live comfortably. I've planned out what I need to do and I'm working towards it. I've got two interviews scheduled for tomorrow. I just need to get back on my feet so I can continue to get my company off the ground. I wish I could just concentrate on my company, but with all these bills and student loans I have it'll have to be a part time gig until I build a bigger client base and make a consistent amount of money per month that's double what I need for rent. I'm not worried. Even if I have to do both for two years I'll be okay. As long as I truly work my hardest I will always live up to my potential right? Wish me luck tomorrow :)

"SOMETIMES I FEEL, LIKE A MOTHERLESS CHILD..."

2007-03-04T18:48:00.000-05:00

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother."
--Kahlil Gibran

I did not have a good time in the A. First off, my "sister" --and I use that term loosley because she's a selfish bitch that values outsiders over family-- went off with the rental car and didn't take my best friend and I anywhere we needed to go. I'm so done with my family. Instead of my mother letting her know that she was wrong for her actions, she proceeded to gossip with her instead.

That's part of the reason why I've been so depressed the past few days. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness, anger and regret. Being physically sick and depressed at the same time is not a good combination. Have you ever felt like you had no control over your life? Have you ever felt like a dark cloud is following you everywhere? From my music, to my career, to my family, and to my finances I am fucked. Something needs to change.

I don't think I've been trying as hard as I could in the past few days. Mentally I've kind of given up. I'm definitely stronger than I was five years ago when I tried to kill myself, but I feel like I'm getting weaker by the second. I can't even talk to anyone about it. I tried talking to this guy who claims he has feelings for me and do I know what he said? He said that this weakness I'm showing is not characteristic of me. He said I need to shake it off and remember who I am. I blame myself for his reaction. If I didn't play the "tough guy" role so often, people wouldn't expect me to be3 that way 24/7. As soon as I deviate from that role people inmediately shut me down. It's as if they're saying all I'm allowed to do is listen to their problems but I'm not allowed to talk about mine. I feel so alone.

"LEAN WIT IT, ROCK WIT IT..."

2007-02-20T00:33:00.000-05:00

"I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want as long as I can breathe and kneel."
--Samantha "Sex And The City"

24 hours and I'm off to ATL. I haven't been down there in so long. The last time I went, I really didn't have much fun. I was depressed and not in the mood for a party, which turned out to be what I was there for. That was the year Paul Pierce, Antoine Walker and the rest of the Celts came up from a 40-something point lead to beat the Nets in a playoff game. I knew it would happen.

Paul Pierce is just that amazing. He is seriously underrated as a player. I'm not on his nuts or anything (but I'd like to be...all day long ha!), but I really respect the way he plays and the way he carries himself off the court. I used to work in nightclubs so I've seen the worst of some basketball players, but I must say I have never seen or heard about Paul Pierce losing control in any way.

Moving on...
I'm definitely determined to have fun in The A. Honestly what I need right now is some booty. Too bad one night stands aren't my thing anymore. Believe me, I have tried to do it. I club a lot. Around Thanksgiving I met a guy at China Club who is my type in every way. He was FIIIIIIIIINE ladies. Fine as hell! It felt so good to be touched that way. I've felt so unattractive the past few months. Going without sex for 6 months will do that to you. Why is it so hard to find a decent cut buddy? All I want is a tall and sexy guy with a big dick who can fuck my brains out. He also has to be single, straight, disease-free, and fluent in English. Am I asking too much?

I haven't even SEEN a dick in 6 months. Damn. I LOVE giving blow jobs. I learned that if you do that well, you can pretty much get whatever you want out of a guy. The secret is rationing the head. Don't give it to him on the regular. Make him earn it. (More on that another time). Anyhoo...I've been told that I'm good at it. Really good. Just thinking about it is getting me all hot and bothered. All I want is a regular partner who I feel comfortable enough with to suck his cock raw. And yes, I swallow...don't you?

I've broken two vibrators so far and my rabbit is not looking so healthy these days either. If I don't get some soon I'm gonna die. For real.

"...SILLY ME, WHY HAVEN'T I FOUND ANOTHER?"

2007-02-19T03:33:00.000-05:00

"I could love you again, but I don't think I want to."
--Circle of Friends (film)

I am sooooo hating right now. I'm hating on everyone who was able to attend NBA All Star Weekend in Vegas. Basketball consumes so much of my life. When I'm not checking ESPN Mobile from my Sidekick or NBA.com, I'm on Paul Pierce's website. Gosh I love that man. As a player, of course **WINK WINK**.

He actually looks exactly like ~~"Mr. Sensitive Thug Who Needs a Hug"~~ MSTWNAH. I swear they are long lost brothers who have yet to find out. MSTWNAH happens to be extremely insecure and jealous of him because of me. I could write a book on everything that MSTWNAH does that gets on my nerves. He's such a whiny little bitch. I just want to shake him and tell him where to buy some balls but I've been mean enough to him in the past. Now is time for me to sit back and let him be the bad guy, which I have for the past 9 months. More about that another time.

Back to my hating. All Star Weekends of the past have given me some of my fondest memories in life. Picture it Sicily 19-...(don't act like you didn't watch Golden Girls too. Sophia was gangsta as a mug!) Anyhoo, let's play a little game. During All Star Weekends of the past have I:

a) beat Josh Smith in a free throw contest
b) been stalked by Dominique Wilkins
c) been fondled by Redman
d) All of the above

The answer is D!

Let me explain the Dominique Wilkins stalking thing though. Every year I attend All Star, I somehow manage to meet Dominique Wilkins in the airport when I'm arriving and departing. It never fails. It's like fate. If he was a few years younger and I was a few shades lighter we'd be soulmates...or future ex-spouses which is the more lucrative route anyhow. I mean on the real, I ain't saying I'm a gold digger BUT...just kidding. I've dealt with my share of broke asses. We all have, right ladies? Let me list the ones I can remember.

Mr. Broke Ass with Potential
The up and coming something or other (insert producer, rapper, or singer) who needs a new mpc, money to pay for studio time, a new jacket for a video shoot, a plane ticket to meet with a "dude" in LA who works for Interscope, etc. It's always something. But "don't worry babygirl" when he gets his deal he's gonna "take care of you". Riiiiiiiiiiiiight...

Mr. Broke Ass with Bad Luck
His car is in the shop, he just got fired from yet another job, he "lost" his ATM card, his roommate's friend stole his check, he's stranded out of town without his wallet, etc.

Mr. Broke Ass with a Degree
Thinks that he should be making 6 figures now that he has a degree so he won't settle for less...only, while he's waiting for his big check, he's making 0 figures...go figure. Guess he didn't major in mathematics or economics.

Mr. Broke Ass Athlete
He was supposed to go to the NBA, NFL or whatever but "didn't get drafted" (i.e. tried to go straight to the pros right after high school with limited skills) so now he won't get a job because he needs to spend all his time "practicing" (i.e. shooting hoops @ Rucker Park year round or playing Madden on PlayStation) for the next draft camp.

Mr. Broke Ass with Kids
Has a job but his wages are garnished for child support or his children ALWAYS need new sneakers...Jordans of course. Only the best for lil Ray Ray, Taquanita and Juan Carlos Jenkins. Wait a second, one of these munchkins doesn't belong...all together now Maury fans..."in the case of 2 year old Juan Carlos...Dantrell Jenkins, YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!"

Mr. Broke Ass but Fresh 2 Def
My absolute favorite! He doesn't own a car, lives with his mother, doesn't have a cell phone and doesn't have a job, but he's always fly...I'm talking Gucci buckets, Prada kicks, True Religion jeans, Thomas Pink button ups, etc. One guess at who bought it?

There are so many others I could name. They all have a few things in common. They never pick up the check when you go out, they are always watching YOUR spending habits, they always want to "hold" something and they NEVER, I repeat NEVER pay you back. We swear after each time, that it's the last because we've "got our own bills to pay", but it never is. We ALWAYS give in when they come pleading to us. Why? It's not because the sex is the bomb (it is sometimes...when he wants something). And it's not because we really think we're getting our money back. It's because we NEED to be NEEDED. We fool ourselves into thinking that if he needs us, we are special because we can do for him what the next chick can't. WRONG! So fuckin wrong! You are just one of many "down ass chicks" he has in his life. He always needs more than one so that if you can't fulfill an instant need, he can count on her. I'm not saying that all men are like this, but the ones I described do exist. Some of them are even being raised by women who know what they are doing and condone it!

It makes me so angry to think about the time we waste on these fools. They make it so hard to trust the good ones. After dealing with so many broke asses I'm reluctant to even buy a Christmas present for a guy I'm dating. I feel like I'm playing myself if I come out of pocket for even the littlest thing. Past relationship baggage sure is a bitch.

Ok, so now that I've just gone way off topic, how on earth do I bring it back? Fuck it. I can't. I tried. 'Tis was a noble effort, but much like Nate Robinson at this year's dunk contest I was DENIED! No offense to Nate. The Knicks were my team but because of Paul Pierce (and because ya'll spent too many years sucking ass!!!), I now root for the men in Green (and Gerald Green). Sorry New York, I was a loyal fan for many many years but much like the broke asses I mentioned above...YOU GETS NO LOVE!

To quote my crazy abuela, Knicks deez nuts...haaaa get it nix and Knicks...I'm so witty, I'm so witty, I'm so witty and pretty and...corny and tired. Goodnight folks.

"VOICES IN THE WIND...I CAN HEAR THEM WELCOME ME TO FLY"

2007-02-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

"Commit yourself to a dream... Nobody who tries to do something great but fails is a total failure. Why? Because he can always rest assured that he succeeded in life's most important battle--he defeated the fear of trying."
--Robert H. Schuller

It's about that time of year. American Idol has just completed the initial audition process as well as the semi-finals and is down to top 24. I of course haven't been watching thanks to television manufacturers teaming up with the cable conglomerates thus making it absolutely necessary for us to subscribe to cable in order to watch even the local networks channels. I'm not bitter. Just suffering from cable withdrawal. I've watched every DVD I, my sister, the public library and the Stop&Shop Redbox owns. Seriously.

Thanks to TVGasm.com (Love you guys!) I've been able to keep up with Idol Mania...as well as Grey's Anatomy mania, Desperate Housewives countdown to cancellation (geez, it started off so promising) and a host of other shows I haven't been able to watch. I am soooooo dying to see an episode of The Bad Girls Club. I'd kill to see that Ty girl beat fugly Aimee's ass. I've been missing out on so much. Especially music videos. Oh how I miss BET and MTV! If I have to go another month of watching videos on YouTube or MySpace, I think I'm gonna die! (Biggest.DramaQueen.Ever??)

It's so funny. When I was living in Harlem and my roommate (Heyeee KC!!!) and I got DirecTV I barely watched it. I despised DirecTV. Now that I'm unemployed and have tons of time on my hands I'd kill for some wack ass, jacked up signal in bad weather, retarded non-user friendly DVR (TIVO) having DirecTV. With that being said, I've got mad love for Cablevision. Their DVR box is THE BEST! Seriously. I'm a serious techie and I found DirecTV's piece of shit DVR to be the single most awful piece of technology ever made. Why? Because it shouldn't take me 10 minutes to program a whole season of Project Runway (all together now... Awwwwwwwndray!). And I shouldn't have to put on my glasses just to read the DVR menu page. If you're gonna replicate such a popular and ubiquitous item, why not do it right? I mean damn DirecTV, you drilled a fuckin hole in my window! A HOLE! It took me a week to get rid of the metal shavings. One rainy night I had my favorite booty call "Mr. Sensitive Thug Who Needs a Hug" over and guess what happens while we're trying to watch an NBA game (to get in the mood perhaps??) The gotdamned screen goes blue and in the smallest print ever (all DirecTV customers must have 20/20 vision right?) it says that a satellite signal could not be found. What kind of bootleg shit is that? The first thing that popped in my mind was "Damn, I should've given the ugly Time Warner dude some cooter!"

What's the point of my rant? Well...see...what had happened was....ahhh fuck it. I guess there is no point. I kinda went waaaaay off topic there for a second lol.

Back to American Idol. I sing. I've been told that I sing very well. I've been singing since I was born. I've been in countless school plays, I've made lots of money as a teen singing in weddings, and I've sung hooks for various up and coming rappers. I sing EVERYWHERE. People used to get so annoyed with me. Namely my family. I'm not really capable of singing softly. I kind of belt out everything as if I'm singing to someone sitting in the back row of Madison Square Garden. I guess it does get kind of annoying. So everyone knows I sing.

For years I've been trying to make something happen with this singing shit but I'm a grownup and I know it takes more than a good voice to make it. I'm a BIG girl. Not to say that big girls can't make it, but the time it takes I no longer have. Kelly Price spent years behind the scenes. Martha Wash spent years behind the scenes. Faith Evans spent years behind the scenes. It's not easy. Nothing worth having is.

I've had 9-5's and I've done the school thing. I've also made a lot of bad decisions and everything has taken me back to where I belong. I belong to music and music belongs to me. So this brings me back to American Idol. Every year around Idol time, I get a million and one phone calls asking me why I didn't audition.

As much as I could use the exposure, I don't necessarily feel confident enough as a person to expose myself in such a way. I guess that's why I sometimes struggle with my music. I write about really personal experiences. I write my music from the heart but I have problems performing like I mean it. I can belt out a song but to me, my club songs end up sounding like my introspective songs. I hit a wall. I can't really feel it. I know in order to convince the American Idol judges and audience of my ability it'll take more than a good voice. I have to believe. I have to let my inner light shine through. If I give the performance of my life I won't care if Simon, Randy, Paula and/or America reject me.

Believe me, I'm not making excuses as to why I won't man up. It's like my fear of flying. I would've never gotten over it had I not just gotten up and done it. I know I'm getting close to that AI cutoff age so if I plan on doing it, it must be soon. Because of this deadline I must work harder and dig deep inside myself so that when Idol mania hits next year, all you people pushing me to try out will be proud.

I must say, as shitty as my life has been, I am blessed to have people who believe in me even when I don't. Yay :)

"ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF, MY NAME IS..."

2007-02-17T04:26:00.000-05:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do..."
--Marianne Williamson

Ok, so maybe this is more of an intro than a re-intro, but isn't Hov the best? I'm sure many of you disagree but guess what? I DON'T CARE. Ok, maybe I do care, but you'll never know it. See I have a real problem expressing myself. Those who know me would never suspect it because to them I'm this outspoken, tough as nails, in your face, confident woman. A character I created to mask the pain.

My pain spans two decades and six years. All my life I've know it. For most of those years, I was on autopilot. I put my mask on everyday and kept it moving while pushing the emotions to the side. Then a funny thing happened on my way to adulthood...I fell in love. Love did me so wrong. So, so wrong.

For me to say that the past seven years have been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. It's been a nightmare, but at the same time I've been able to see myself more clearly. I've been able to identify the source of my pain and what has caused me to make so many bad decisions. Believe me, I'm nowhere near where I need to be. I am by no means a whole person yet. This blog is part of the process.

I'm beginning to realize why this journey is necessary. Music has always been a big part of life. It's my destiny. I won't say that I'm "destined to be a STAR", because I already am. We all are. I know, I know..I sound kind of corny right now. I was once told by my "Angelito" (more about him another time) that what I really deserve is for the whole wide world to see my light shining from within. So you see, we all have something positive to contribute to the world. We don't need to reach Hov, JLo or Tom Cruise status to be considered stars. It's not about how many people recognize our talents and contributions. If you know you're the shit then nothing else matters. Project positive energy and it will come back to you tenfold. I know...easier said than done...