"MY PAST MADE ME SO WEAK, BUT YOU MAKE ME STRONGER..."

"The past is of no importance. The present is of no importance. It is with the future that we have to deal. For the past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are."
--Oscar Wilde

Things are looking a bit brighter today. I got out of my funk and decided to take control of my life again. I realized that I am strong. It's normal to sometimes feel down. I do however pick myself up right before I hit bottom and as long as I can do that I'll be alright.

I've been thinking about my Angelito lately. He's probably the only person (that knows my identity) who knows what's going on inside of my head. It's weird because in actuality, he and I don't really know each other. Our relationship has been mere words. I don't mean relationship as in romantic, it's more of a spiritual thing. He's going through a lot. He's been through a lot. One thing I admire is his knack for staying positive and aiming higher despite his situation. He knows who he is and what he's capable of. He truly believes that he will surpass his potential and he makes me believe it too. He's already an inspiration to so many and I know this is just the beginning for him. He's got so much more to offer.

I'm trying to live up to my potential. I'm not being boastful when I say I am good at so many things. I am able to learn things quickly and I seem to have a natural ability to lead and give advice. I could do so much with my life, but something is holding me back. I think I need to love myself and stop letting the lack of love in my life steer me in the wrong direction.

I honestly hate myself sometimes. It's more than feeling ugly. I actually don't think I'm ugly. For the most part I like the way I look. I used to think my weight was the problem, then I lost the weight and I hated myself MORE because I realized that starving myself and getting thinner didn't solve my problems. There are actually people out there who envy my looks. I must say, I do put a lot of time and money into looking good. I am the most materialistic person you will ever meet. If I'm not wearing a label or if I don't have the "it" bag of the season, I don't feel whole. I spend hours getting ready just to go to the mall --silly I know. But it makes me feel good.



My father is probably the second most materialistic person you will ever meet. The root of my mental problems comes from my relationship with him. I am by no means blaming him for my problems, I'm the reason why I haven't healed. He did however plant the seed of self loathing and inferiority in me. I never felt like he loved me and I noticed that the people he chose to spend his time with instead of me were the "cool" people who wore the designer labels like him and spoke the slang like him. I felt like he was embarrassed of me, his fat, geeky, and awkwardly tall daughter who didn't have any style. So as soon I was was old enough to make my own money I transformed myself into a female version of him. I turned myself into an emotionally detached, materialistic, flashy drifter. My fathers lifestyle got him put in prison where he's been for the past 6 years, but I still feel like I need his acceptance. It's weird. I haven't spoken to him in about 3 years (by choice) and I know I need to tell him why and let him know how much his actions screwed me up emotionally, but I can't. I guess I'm afraid of being rejected by him again. I just want an explanation. I'm so afraid to have kids because I don't want to abandon them emotionally and make them feel the way I do all the time. I don't want to be like him but everyday I look in the mirror and it's bad enough that I look exactly like him but then realize that I let myself become him.

I'm not even sure when I turned into this person. I'm punishing myself. It's like I abandoned everything that was important to me and decided that the thing that caused me so much pain in life is exactly what I deserved to be. I know I'm selling myself short. I deserve to love myself and be happy. I even had happiness tattooed on my arm to remind me of my goal (retarded I know lol).

I just want to live comfortably. I've planned out what I need to do and I'm working towards it. I've got two interviews scheduled for tomorrow. I just need to get back on my feet so I can continue to get my company off the ground. I wish I could just concentrate on my company, but with all these bills and student loans I have it'll have to be a part time gig until I build a bigger client base and make a consistent amount of money per month that's double what I need for rent. I'm not worried. Even if I have to do both for two years I'll be okay. As long as I truly work my hardest I will always live up to my potential right? Wish me luck tomorrow :)