"IT FEELS LIKE MY DREAMS WILL NEVER COME TO BE..."

"Just don't give up trying to do what you really want to do. Where there is love and inspiration, I don't think you can go wrong."
--Ella Fitzgerald

As you probably already know, I title my blog postings with song lyrics (I'm a music freak, sue me). My last blog title brought back a serious obsession. I can listen to the same song on repeat for days, sometimes even weeks at a time. It's a sickness lol. My favorite songs to put on "mucho repeato" are Faith Evans songs. She is my absolute favorite singer. I love her because she has a beautiful and technically trained voice, she writes the majority of her own material and her voice just projects so much emotion. I feel it in my bones when she sings. I also love Mariah Carey, Kelly Price and Deborah Cox for the exact same reasons but for some reason I identify with Faith more. Maybe it's because she's got more street cred lol j/k.



Anyhow, this brings me back to my original thought. Blog titles. My last blog title was "I hear the voice of reason telling me to fight on." That's a line from "Keep the Faith" (Track 10 - the title track off Faith's second album). The full lyrics can be found here: "Keep The Faith"

These lyrics bring to mind the Bible passage, Matthew 9:20-9:22. See, there were people lined up to get healed by Jesus. A woman came at the last minute, who had been bleeding for a longtime. Jesus was about to leave and she reached out to touch his garments. She believed in his powers so much that she thought that this contact would solve her problems. Jesus turned to her and said, ‘Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.’ And she was instantly healed.

Even the people out there who aren't religious can take something from that story. I said in my last blog that if I don't believe in my bright future, I will just give up. I have to believe that God is taking care of me the best way He knows how. All the pain, the heartache, the bad times and the loneliness has to be for a reason and as soon as it's supposed to end, it will. As soon as I've learned the lesson I'm supposed to learn, I'll prosper.

That's not to say that I should be laying around waiting for God to end my suffering. If I want to make something of my life, I have to put forth the effort. God won't help those who won't help themselves. I truly believe that. Take my mother for instance. My mother had me when she was sixteen. She has been through everything from being abandoned by her family, to dealing with an abuse husband, and being homeless with four children and a mother who was new to the country. She's had her share of dead end jobs due to the fact that she didn't have a high school diploma. Even though my mother is the hardest working person I know, I think there was a point where she kind of gave up. I think there was a point where she felt defeated as hell. The thing I admire about her is that she let herself be down for just one moment.

I remember the day she got up and took the placement test for her CNA program. I think I was about sixteen myself, the same age that she was when she had me. I'm not sure if that was the mitigating factor in her decision to change her life, but I'm sure it crossed her mind. Anyhow, she ended up passing the test and getting through the program. She's been working as a CNA for the past ten years. It's definitely not a glamorous job, but to her, it was part of a journey that my brothers and sisters would be able to witness with pride.

That one decision to go back to school snowballed into her getting a GED two years ago and now she is a Licensed Practical Nurse (she still has to take her NCLEX exam though but I know she'll pass). It hasn't been easy for her. I tutored her for a month rigorously to prepare for the GED test. She didn't pass the first time around but we worked even harder the next time and she passed. She then had to deal with the demanding practical nursing program while still working full time as a CNA. I must say, as happy as I was to see her in her Florence Nightingale outfit at her graduation in January, it was the day that she took the CNA program entrance exam at the community college that I am most proud of. I've watched my mother's life go from a nightmare to a beautiful story with the lesson being NEVER GIVE UP. She went through the hard times and even though she trusted that God would get her through it, she also trusted in her own ability to succeed.



I try to think about my mother's life every time I feel like giving up. I do feel defeated sometimes. The fight gets kind of hard ya know? That's why I started this blog. Some of things that I write about, the people closest to me aren't really aware of. My own pride keeps me from letting them in. This blog allows me a release. Hopefully someone reading can gain some sort of wisdom from my experiences.