"New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts."
--Harry Hershfield
Today was a pretty good day. My interviews were...well they were basic. Now it's the hard part, the sitting and waiting. Despite that, I had a really good day. I've been in good spirits all day for some reason. I woke up focused and I just kept on going. I actually ate breakfast (GASP!) and went to my interviews with lots of energy. I guess good vibes attract good vibes because I had an unusually great amount of attention from the male species today. I mean, I get attention from men. All women do no matter if it is warranted or not. That goes with the "I have a vagina" territory. Today though was different. Guys were smiling and flirting. Guys usually look at me and I can tell they want to approach but usually if I'm not the one who pushes forward with it, nothing happens. Today I didn't have to do any work. I barely flirted back. I was comfortable in my own skin and that made a huge difference. Most days even though I am meticulously put together on the outside, my insides are a mess. On those days, I can barely get a smile out of a baby. Mentally today was a good day and my light was able to shine through.
It felt so good to be back in the city. I think that made a difference. My brother and I were talking today about relocating. He's tired of the cold here and after coming back from Atlanta he realized that he wants to go start a new life there. He asked if I was going to move down there also then he quickly took the thought back. "You're a city girl true to the core," he said. He's absolutely right. He could never make sense of why I loved New York so much, especially after all the bad things that I've gone through. I guess that's the thing about New York. People don't go there because they want to live a simple life. You go for the excitement, the never ending drama. Even the bad things are exciting. Hell, I could write a book about the bad stuff that has happened to me and it would definitely make for a good read.
I can't say that a retreat isn't needed every now and again. If you don't get away sometimes to clear your head and slow yourself down, you get sucked into the fast paced lifestyle and end up getting burnt out. I think that's what happened to me. It was constant movement. I sacrificed a job I loved to be in the city I loved only to be stuck going through a horrible commute to a horrible job, with horrible people. I dealt with it as long as I could and I guess God took me away from it just in time...before I felt the burn. That's not to say that I wouldn't do it over again given the chance. It's just now, I prefer to do it on my own terms. No more roommates, no more commuting, no more permanent jobs that I despise. This time I'm going to find a temp or temp-perm job, let my mother sign for my apartment and get my company off the ground while enjoying all that New York has to offer. I want the dates and wine at my place afterwards...the museums that I used to love as a child...and I promise myself at least one musical every 3 months and one basketball game per month. Also, I MUST take some vacations. I worked 9 months straight without going anywhere. I was struggling to pay the rent plus my hefty commuting cost while still having to keep up appearances and look the part of the label-whore New Yorker that I am and always will be.
Do I have a love/hate relationship with New York?
No. I love it for all it has to offer-- for all the parades that help me represent every part of my ethnic mixture, for all the 24 hour bodegas that serve me turkey and swiss sandwiches at 4 in the morning, for Century21: the greatest store on earth for a label junkie on a budget, for all the different styles of music I hear just walking down the block, for the 24 hour subway system which makes it possible for me to not have to get behind the wheel of a car that I'm sure to crash and most of all...FOR THE LESSONS IT HAS TAUGHT ME THROUGH HARDSHIP.
If 9-11 didn't scare me out of city life, nothing will.
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