"GIVING UP WHAT SEEMS YOUR LIFETIME..."

"Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you."
--Vipin Sharma

I had a dream last night that's been really bothering me. I was at my local Target store and I saw my ex boyfriend "August". We were cordial to each other, he gave me $165.00 and I left. Then he shows up at my mothers house, but it wasn't her current house, it was her old home. He shows up and my sister tries to send him away because she knows I can't stand him, but I tell him to come upstairs. Everyone in the house is shocked by this. So when he comes upstairs (to my old bedroom), we gaze into each other's eyes for a while then he puts his arms around me and starts kissing me. I don't fight him, I just go with the flow. So we have sex and it's such a release for me. I see myself clearly in the dream and I look so happy laying on the bed in his arms. He kisses me on the lips and I say "So what's gonna happen now?" and he says "I'm gonna tell her it's over." (referring to his girlfriend who he left me for). Of course I'm happy as hell when he says this, and we have sex again and everything feels so natural.

So while we're in the bed the cops come the house and my sister yells upstairs to me. While my sister is trying to stall them, he gives me instructions and tells me he's only gonna be away for awhile, he's coming back to finish what we started and he loves me, I'm the only one he ever loved then he kisses me. The police come to my bedroom and take him away.

Any ideas on what that could mean?

So two friends I've asked say that it probably means I'm aching for some bootay! That makes sense, but I think it's more. I mean, like I said before, I can have sex with anyone, but I choose not to. The thing I miss about my relationship with "August" is our intimacy. I loved him with all I had and I was completely comfortable with him. Our relationship was horrible (but we had our good moments) and it ended very badly. It's been almost 7 years since it ended and I don't think I'm over it. He is the only guy I've ever loved in my life. My feelings for him taught me that I was capable of loving someone and for a moment, I felt loved by him too. But he ended up leaving me for some stupid ho, who he's still with now.

I've spent so many years trying to figure out why he left me for her. Am I too fat? Am I not pretty enough? Is she more ambitious than me? Is she better in bed? So many stupid questions. Add that to the inferiority issues I've got because of my father's role in my life and you can probably see why I'm such a mess inside. Now I won't let myself have a healthy relationship. I don't even know what that is. All I've been doing for the past 7 years is dealing with men who don't love me, don't care about me and don't respect me. None of them have stuck around very long, but there's usually another not far behind, waiting to fill the empty space, but none can truly fill it.

I'm empty inside and I don't know what to do to fill it. I got over my image issues and as dumb as it sounds when put on paper, I truly believed that if I was happy with my outer self, I'd be happy with my inner self. It doesn't work like that kiddies and I'm living proof. I've had guys that have shown an interest in having more than sexual relations but because of my issues, I never believe them. I don't let myself get involved with anyone real. I just really don't want to deal with my issues, but since I turned 25, everything has come crashing down on me emotionally. I've had to face a lot of things about myself that are ugly.

When someone asks why I'm single or why I haven't had a boyfriend in 7 years, I try to mask the emptiness by saying, "I never want to get married." or "Men are drama and I just don't have the time to deal with it right now." And even "I'm in selfish mode, I need to get my career on track." Pathetic, I know. 7 years is a longtime to be alone. I can't bring myself to be happy once again only to have love snatched away from me again. It's no one's fault but my own. But I know that one day God will give me the strength to love myself enough so that there won't even be a void that needs filling.

Other than that, I'm doing okay. I'm surviving. Still job-hunting, still writing, still singing, still a label whore, still addicted to Starbucks...still alive...still dreaming of a better life.