"Commit yourself to a dream... Nobody who tries to do something great but fails is a total failure. Why? Because he can always rest assured that he succeeded in life's most important battle--he defeated the fear of trying."
--Robert H. Schuller
It's about that time of year. American Idol has just completed the initial audition process as well as the semi-finals and is down to top 24. I of course haven't been watching thanks to television manufacturers teaming up with the cable conglomerates thus making it absolutely necessary for us to subscribe to cable in order to watch even the local networks channels. I'm not bitter. Just suffering from cable withdrawal. I've watched every DVD I, my sister, the public library and the Stop&Shop Redbox owns. Seriously.
Thanks to TVGasm.com (Love you guys!) I've been able to keep up with Idol Mania...as well as Grey's Anatomy mania, Desperate Housewives countdown to cancellation (geez, it started off so promising) and a host of other shows I haven't been able to watch. I am soooooo dying to see an episode of The Bad Girls Club. I'd kill to see that Ty girl beat fugly Aimee's ass. I've been missing out on so much. Especially music videos. Oh how I miss BET and MTV! If I have to go another month of watching videos on YouTube or MySpace, I think I'm gonna die! (Biggest.DramaQueen.Ever??)
It's so funny. When I was living in Harlem and my roommate (Heyeee KC!!!) and I got DirecTV I barely watched it. I despised DirecTV. Now that I'm unemployed and have tons of time on my hands I'd kill for some wack ass, jacked up signal in bad weather, retarded non-user friendly DVR (TIVO) having DirecTV. With that being said, I've got mad love for Cablevision. Their DVR box is THE BEST! Seriously. I'm a serious techie and I found DirecTV's piece of shit DVR to be the single most awful piece of technology ever made. Why? Because it shouldn't take me 10 minutes to program a whole season of Project Runway (all together now... Awwwwwwwndray!). And I shouldn't have to put on my glasses just to read the DVR menu page. If you're gonna replicate such a popular and ubiquitous item, why not do it right? I mean damn DirecTV, you drilled a fuckin hole in my window! A HOLE! It took me a week to get rid of the metal shavings. One rainy night I had my favorite booty call "Mr. Sensitive Thug Who Needs a Hug" over and guess what happens while we're trying to watch an NBA game (to get in the mood perhaps??) The gotdamned screen goes blue and in the smallest print ever (all DirecTV customers must have 20/20 vision right?) it says that a satellite signal could not be found. What kind of bootleg shit is that? The first thing that popped in my mind was "Damn, I should've given the ugly Time Warner dude some cooter!"
What's the point of my rant? Well...see...what had happened was....ahhh fuck it. I guess there is no point. I kinda went waaaaay off topic there for a second lol.
Back to American Idol. I sing. I've been told that I sing very well. I've been singing since I was born. I've been in countless school plays, I've made lots of money as a teen singing in weddings, and I've sung hooks for various up and coming rappers. I sing EVERYWHERE. People used to get so annoyed with me. Namely my family. I'm not really capable of singing softly. I kind of belt out everything as if I'm singing to someone sitting in the back row of Madison Square Garden. I guess it does get kind of annoying. So everyone knows I sing.
For years I've been trying to make something happen with this singing shit but I'm a grownup and I know it takes more than a good voice to make it. I'm a BIG girl. Not to say that big girls can't make it, but the time it takes I no longer have. Kelly Price spent years behind the scenes. Martha Wash spent years behind the scenes. Faith Evans spent years behind the scenes. It's not easy. Nothing worth having is.
I've had 9-5's and I've done the school thing. I've also made a lot of bad decisions and everything has taken me back to where I belong. I belong to music and music belongs to me. So this brings me back to American Idol. Every year around Idol time, I get a million and one phone calls asking me why I didn't audition.
As much as I could use the exposure, I don't necessarily feel confident enough as a person to expose myself in such a way. I guess that's why I sometimes struggle with my music. I write about really personal experiences. I write my music from the heart but I have problems performing like I mean it. I can belt out a song but to me, my club songs end up sounding like my introspective songs. I hit a wall. I can't really feel it. I know in order to convince the American Idol judges and audience of my ability it'll take more than a good voice. I have to believe. I have to let my inner light shine through. If I give the performance of my life I won't care if Simon, Randy, Paula and/or America reject me.
Believe me, I'm not making excuses as to why I won't man up. It's like my fear of flying. I would've never gotten over it had I not just gotten up and done it. I know I'm getting close to that AI cutoff age so if I plan on doing it, it must be soon. Because of this deadline I must work harder and dig deep inside myself so that when Idol mania hits next year, all you people pushing me to try out will be proud.
I must say, as shitty as my life has been, I am blessed to have people who believe in me even when I don't. Yay :)
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